Denial of Reality
An excerpt of a coaching conversation I had with someone recently and an analysis from my perspective as a coach
I was recently speaking with a Mother struggling in her relationship with her adult daughter. She spoke of a heaviness she experiences when being around her. She talked about how she doesn’t feel loved or cared for by her daughter. She also spoke about how she fully accepts her daughter as she is. That she views the trigger/hurt she feels being around her daughter as her inner work to not be triggered.
“What would you do differently if you knew you would never receive love or care from her?”
“Then I wouldn’t be put off balance by the things she says.”
Something didn’t feel right though. Why does she still feel heaviness if she fully accepts her daughter as she is? Why isn’t it simply This is the deal I get when I’m with her, accept: yes/no?
And then it dawned on me… she’s in denial of reality! (Just not the reality she was holding in her awareness.)
“What would you do differently if you knew that you would never receive love or care from your daughter AND you knew that you would continue to have the exact same experience of hurt and trigger around her?”
Lightbulb moment. Inbreath of clarity.
“I would let go of needing my experience to be different.”
She was able to fully accept that this is what it’s like to be around her daughter. She wasn’t trying to change her daughter’s experience (frequently the culprit in our society). She was trying to change her own.
The heaviness had lifted. She sat in the lightness of being for several minutes after that, all the while profusely expressing her gratitude.
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2 frames:
1) Combining power and freedom. The power in changing who we are and developing our skills to better handle life. And the freedom in accepting who we are and the world as it is.
2) Letting go and the ever-expanding embrace of what’s here now. Eventually, this necessarily must include letting go of the ways in which we’re holding onto needing to let go.
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Coaching notes:
1) The phrase “What would I do differently if I knew that <current reality> would be this way forever?” is a great way to see if you’re attached to a fantasy or feel contraction while holding out for some outcome.
Dreaming and wanting better is great, but when it comes at the cost of denying present reality, that’s usually a sign that we’ve deprived ourself of agency, despite the appearance of being in greater control. When a certain outcome *must* happen, we’ve lost our freedom.
2) If in reality, she hadn’t accepted her daughter as she is, then we might have discovered that she hasn’t fully felt the grief of losing the daughter she thinks she could have. Or we might have found that there was unprocessed anger/hurt/sadness around trying to get love from someone who isn’t likely to give it.
3) My style of coaching involves leading people into greater agency. This necessarily involves an acknowledgment and ownership of the facts about the world and ourselves (especially our feelings and behavior). This is why when coaching I ask myself (about the client) “Why is it not simply <accept reality’s proposition>?”
When we’re fully in agency, we’re much more likely to be in a state of clarity about our decisions. Which makes it a good pointer. If I notice someone seems muddied about an action they’re taking, that’s a good starting point to explore what’s in the way of experiencing greater agency in their life.
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